*116 pages on HD color Fedrigoni matte coated paper – Language: English/Italian - 1st press, numbered copies!*
Every month of 2019 we released a song. Some of the songs were written the month before they were released, while some songs were written as early as 2009. Each month, Eli Wengrin made a cover for the single, and I wrote a little essay to go along with the song. In early 2020, we asked our friends if they had any art or words they would like to share that was, in some way, related to Calendar. All of the contributions have been compiled into this book.
Looking back at the beginning of the year, it’s hard for me to remember exactly who I was when writing the first entry for Toursong. Whatever sense of identity that I feel today isn’t the same as what I felt a year ago; In a sense, I am a “new person.”
If Sam from a year ago is a different person from Sam as I am today, there is no reason that I (today) should attribute any more weight to their (me a year ago) wants and desires than I would to any other person who I know. Right now, I relate to a lot of friends more than I do to my past self. I am equal to my peers.
While making the XTC album “Skylarking”, Virgin Records told Andy Partridge, the band leader, that he had to make the record with an American producer in an attempt to tap into the American market, and eventually Todd Rundgren was hired for the job. The record is amazing, one of my top 5 favorite albums of all time, but the story goes that Andy and Todd butted heads throughout the entire recording process. Their egos were both too big. Now, Andy hates the album. He claims that Todd completely fucked it up at the last second by “reversing the polarity” of the tape, something that would in practice have an undetectable effect on sonic quality.
There is a song on Skylarking, “A Man Who Sailed Around His Soul.” The song is about a man who tried to “find himself,” but he actually found nothing.
"Now he sits all alone
And it's no place like home
It's empty skin
A bag to keep life's souvenirs in"
Ego is a sham. Identity is a sham. Don’t try to find yourself, find others.
Includes unlimited streaming of Never Bored (feat. Jimmy Kraft & mnngg)
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about
June 30th, sixth song off “Calendar”
Artwork by Eli Wengrin
—
Every two years since I was 11, things gradually start to feel less exciting until the whole world becomes bland. The numbness usually lasts a few months and then, just as slowly as the world became empty, it refills with meaning and emotions. I don’t have a professional diagnosis, but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort depression.
I’m not an expert in mental health, but personal experience has led me to believe that my mood is affected by both my circumstances in the world and by some creeping specter that I assume is brain chemistry. Two years ago, I was simultaneously having an identity crisis, heartbroken over unrequited love, spending hours commuting to school each day, dangerously poor, being paid shit wages teaching part time, and my childhood dog had just died. It had been the usual two years since the last time I felt depressed and, unsurprisingly, all of this left me feeling like a shell of a human.
I lifelessly dragged myself out of bed in the morning at 5 a.m. to sit in commuter traffic. It would have done me good to see my friends, but I was busy all week at school. On the weekends I would sleep all day and then be awake all night. Plus, I didn’t feel any emotional connection with most people, so socializing didn’t really interest me.
During all of this I inexplicably found the time and energy to write this song, “Pleasure and Pain,” which although lyrically dark, is sonically silly and playful. I think this is interesting, as whenever I feel like shit, I tend to hide it from other people under a mask of cheerfulness.
Two years have passed since I wrote this song, and I have been feeling depressed again. My life has undoubtedly been stressful recently, but not anywhere near what it was like two years ago, and so this bout with depression has been relatively easy. I’m probably putting on that mask of cheerfulness pretending that everything is ok, but I’ve learned from my past experiences that even if everything isn’t ok now, everything will be ok soon enough.
lyrics
As soon as I get I home
I pack a bowl of weed
And I get in the zone
I pick a tone
Play a melody
But this much weed
It’s not good for me
Every night I lay awake
And watch TV until the sunrise
Am I alive?
I feel dead
Looks like, once again,
I’m stuck in my head
Take the bus
Eat my lunch
Keep my eyes shut so tight
Pretend all god damn night
I can’t explain why I feel this way
Must be chemicals in my brain
Take my pills and pray they go away
I wish that I could feel
Anything at all
Could be pleasure
Or pain
In the morning my alarm goes off
I turn it off
And stay in bed
No need to fret
I have another set
Cause when I’m waking up
I don’t give a fuck
I go back to sleep and dream that
I am living in another place
Another life
So far away
Fuck I have to wake
Live another day
I get dressed
Try my best
Clench my jaw shut so tight
Pretend that I’m alright
I wish that I didn’t feel this way
High anxiety and migraines
Take my pills and pray they go away
I wish that I could feel
Anything at all
Could be pleasure
Or pain
credits
from Calendar,
track released June 30, 2019
Music & lyrics by Sam Regan
Produced by Luca Lovisetto & Sam Regan
Master by Dylan Wall
Artwork by Eli Wengrin
The Seoul-based indie pop duo lean deeper into the interplay between dance and emotion on their second album for Beeline Records. Bandcamp Album of the Day Aug 31, 2023
