June 30th, sixth song off “Calendar”
Artwork by Eli Wengrin
—

Every two years since I was 11, things gradually start to feel less exciting until the whole world becomes bland. The numbness usually lasts a few months and then, just as slowly as the world became empty, it refills with meaning and emotions. I don’t have a professional diagnosis, but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort depression.

I’m not an expert in mental health, but personal experience has led me to believe that my mood is affected by both my circumstances in the world and by some creeping specter that I assume is brain chemistry. Two years ago, I was simultaneously having an identity crisis, heartbroken over unrequited love, spending hours commuting to school each day, dangerously poor, being paid shit wages teaching part time, and my childhood dog had just died. It had been the usual two years since the last time I felt depressed and, unsurprisingly, all of this left me feeling like a shell of a human.

I lifelessly dragged myself out of bed in the morning at 5 a.m. to sit in commuter traffic. It would have done me good to see my friends, but I was busy all week at school. On the weekends I would sleep all day and then be awake all night. Plus, I didn’t feel any emotional connection with most people, so socializing didn’t really interest me.

During all of this I inexplicably found the time and energy to write this song, “Pleasure and Pain,” which although lyrically dark, is sonically silly and playful. I think this is interesting, as whenever I feel like shit, I tend to hide it from other people under a mask of cheerfulness.

Two years have passed since I wrote this song, and I have been feeling depressed again. My life has undoubtedly been stressful recently, but not anywhere near what it was like two years ago, and so this bout with depression has been relatively easy. I’m probably putting on that mask of cheerfulness pretending that everything is ok, but I’ve learned from my past experiences that even if everything isn’t ok now, everything will be ok soon enough.