Pleasure and Pain

by Baseball Gregg

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June 30th, sixth song off “Calendar”
Artwork by Eli Wengrin

Every two years since I was 11, things gradually start to feel less exciting until the whole world becomes bland. The numbness usually lasts a few months and then, just as slowly as the world became empty, it refills with meaning and emotions. I don’t have a professional diagnosis, but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort depression.

I’m not an expert in mental health, but personal experience has led me to believe that my mood is affected by both my circumstances in the world and by some creeping specter that I assume is brain chemistry. Two years ago, I was simultaneously having an identity crisis, heartbroken over unrequited love, spending hours commuting to school each day, dangerously poor, being paid shit wages teaching part time, and my childhood dog had just died. It had been the usual two years since the last time I felt depressed and, unsurprisingly, all of this left me feeling like a shell of a human.

I lifelessly dragged myself out of bed in the morning at 5 a.m. to sit in commuter traffic. It would have done me good to see my friends, but I was busy all week at school. On the weekends I would sleep all day and then be awake all night. Plus, I didn’t feel any emotional connection with most people, so socializing didn’t really interest me.

During all of this I inexplicably found the time and energy to write this song, “Pleasure and Pain,” which although lyrically dark, is sonically silly and playful. I think this is interesting, as whenever I feel like shit, I tend to hide it from other people under a mask of cheerfulness.

Two years have passed since I wrote this song, and I have been feeling depressed again. My life has undoubtedly been stressful recently, but not anywhere near what it was like two years ago, and so this bout with depression has been relatively easy. I’m probably putting on that mask of cheerfulness pretending that everything is ok, but I’ve learned from my past experiences that even if everything isn’t ok now, everything will be ok soon enough.


As soon as I get I home
I pack a bowl of weed
And I get in the zone
I pick a tone
Play a melody

But this much weed
It’s not good for me

Every night I lay awake
And watch TV until the sunrise
Am I alive?
I feel dead

Looks like, once again,
I’m stuck in my head

Take the bus
Eat my lunch
Keep my eyes shut so tight
Pretend all god damn night

I can’t explain why I feel this way
Must be chemicals in my brain
Take my pills and pray they go away

I wish that I could feel
Anything at all
Could be pleasure
Or pain

In the morning my alarm goes off
I turn it off
And stay in bed
No need to fret
I have another set

Cause when I’m waking up
I don’t give a fuck

I go back to sleep and dream that
I am living in another place
Another life
So far away

Fuck I have to wake
Live another day

I get dressed
Try my best
Clench my jaw shut so tight
Pretend that I’m alright

I wish that I didn’t feel this way
High anxiety and migraines
Take my pills and pray they go away

I wish that I could feel
Anything at all
Could be pleasure
Or pain


released June 30, 2019
Music & lyrics by Sam Regan
Produced by Luca Lovisetto & Sam Regan
Master by Dylan Wall
Artwork by Eli Wengrin


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Baseball Gregg Stockton, California

Baseball Gregg is a pop duo from Stockton by way of Italy.

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